Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
the dark web is just a goth google.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.