I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Love is always patient and kind.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.