I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
not to brag, but mine was free
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
😍😂🥰😂😍
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*