If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever