Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”