My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.