me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.