[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.