me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.