I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.