i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
i smell a pulitzer
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…