I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.