My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Impervious: being an admitted pervert