Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
#JohnTravolta
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Running from your problems is cardio .
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe