Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You Might Also Like
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me irl
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!