I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
🙁
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”