Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”