How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.