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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question