People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
$4 #usedbooks
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
We’re all getting idioter.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups