Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.