There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”