Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Harsh but fair
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?