One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
3% human
97% stress