Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
be careful
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.