Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.