I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
how it started vs how it ended
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣