A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn