I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“and how does that make you feel?”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.