[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes