I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
goldfish mafia
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My birthstone is kidney
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.