[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m sorry…what?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Don’t make me out nice you.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.