People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*