Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
i choose….tongue
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.