iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I want what they have
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
When I laugh on my period
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”