I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Cake safety first. Always.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN