My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“How’s your day going?”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Damn what did I do next
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.