Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
incredible
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.