Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals