People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.