*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.