me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.