Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If a snake ate a cake