My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.