Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide