[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Who says great literature is dead?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
mathematically impossible
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together