Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The Compass
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.