English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo