Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
You Might Also Like
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.