My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Chicago sounds lovely.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.