Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets